– – (this gap represents the time in which the writer was absent). Here I am again with you all. Thank you very much for waiting and for coping with such a nasty description.
A meaningful missive sent by a Presbyter (it sounds so similar to sphincter, does it not?) belonging to the community of Aragón (so similar to Aragorn, is it not?), whose name was Don José de las Santísimas Casas, inspired this pacific diatribe. Some highlights of the letter:
“My dear cronies, readers of this delicious but piacular and dungy Opus Magnus (the smart reader will notice that we are refraining from correcting those predictable errors from a man who has already trodden and probably spat out the ninetieth decade).
“There’s an issue that has been disturbing my peace and my sleep, and I do believe that you, deep in your hearts, will share and understand the very nature of the haunting concern: that of abortion. I am deeply ashamed and sorry to admit that it has became a common practice in my beloved Spain. Thousands and thousands of poor and wretched women visit each day the coastal zones, united by the sole intention of wildly stoning to death each stork that dares to fly over the coasts of Hispania. O my dear children, why do you perform such devilish actions? O Father who art in heaven, why do you allow it? Is it because you can’t see it due to our pollution?
“The wretched and deranged assassins bring a dual death with one single stone (3): the poor innocent stork and the very child being skilfully carried in the air (4); poor guiltless stork whose only function is to bring the future son or daughter from Paris… Alas!, something that certainly will not happen once the stone reaches its deadly target (5).
“Certain revolutionary mystical sects that we still have to tolerate within the heart of the Vatican Church are trying to inculcate (they call it educate) a certain mischievous piece of information that goes against thousands of years of common and basic knowledge: assuring these ignorant women that babies are not brought by storks, but they are the product that grows from the tree of physical love, the fruit that ripens in the maternal womb after the seed has been spat through the one eyed snake… be that under the arrangements of the law, or without the holy sacrament of marriage. What an incredible amount of lies! Menudo disparate joder y la madre que me parió!
“Our Father, God, in His immense and never ending generosity, has created this pure and beautiful bird who, blessed and gifted through the miracle of love, brings to us the same fruit of that divine desire to prolong our penis… lives! To prolong that miracle we call life thanks and through those tiny flying sprouts, those heavenly mirrors that multiply our own image and that of our Deus Peter… sorry! Deus Pater (6), who exclusively comes from Paris, the city of those crunchy baguettes and the latest Prêt-à-Porter designs.
“If it were not from Paris, from which other cojonuda and beautiful city could these tiny innocent little fellows come from? Dear friends, I’m sure you will excuse me, but I must leave Ye so I can get another bottle of Jerez, because I’m about to finish this one! Cheers!”
On the other hand (6b), the Royal Society for the Conservation of the Health of Storks, claims:
“It is lamentable but true: ignorance is the fuel which drives those desperate yet future repented mothers to wildly throw enormous stones at these innocent birds that have shit to do in the matter. Who in their fucking sanity would think that a shitty flying stork could really carry a baby? Where is he or she being carried? Inside the stork’s anus? Did the stork eat the babe to then vomit he or she like a flying cow? Do you really think this is the way to convince our fellow Spanish citizens that this is how a proper abortion should be performed? Education now!”
Dealing with the always increasing restlessness, the local government answered:
“We do not turn a blind eye to those issues that spur our whole society (*). The Spanish state is making every possible effort in order to efficiently educate our citizens and thus help eradicate old entrenched beliefs that are not helping our progress as a nation. Those same beliefs that are not only placing the storks under a real threat of extinction, but that are also threatening the very foundations of the state and altering the whole economic system; our Ministry of Justice is overwhelmed by an unimaginable amount of lawsuits initiated and brought by those failed abortive mothers who, after some months of having murdered a stork, realized that their wombs were still growing, to then find out that they unavoidably were about to become that which they were not expecting to be: mothers. This sort of occurrence, in an approximate percentage (97.47985213435435198%) of the filed cases, usually ends in divorce (provided of course that the woman in question IS in fact married), and with a (or more than one if the pregnancy in question is a multiple one) poor innocent affected creature who has to grow up with only a father figure (6c), because those deranged and involuntary mothers are sent to the Isle of My”.
On the other hand, which is not the last hand mentioned some lines before this one, a natural question arises: where does the stork myth come from?
The ophthalmologist, sociologist, anthropologist and psychiatrist of Austrian origin Herbert von Happel shares with us in his Myths of History:
“The origin of the stork myth could be traced back to the region that we now know as the Belgian Congo, thanks to the personal diaries of the notorious botanist and teacher of mine, Adolf von Ribbetreppen. In those pages he registered what today is commonly recognized as the first ever carnal relationship between a male animal and a female human; we can all assume the weirdness of such a situation, whereas the opposite, a carnal relationship between a man and a feminine animal (please do not mistake that concept with that of wife) is fairly a common practice among my fellows, specially when it comes to sheep. Who is able to resist those woolly charms?
“Returning on the back of a sheep and going back to Adolf von Ribbetreppen’s account: it is a description of a bizarre mating between a male stork and a reputed strumpet from Mozambique. Apparently the animal (for the bigot we explicitly say: the male stork) possessed a masculine organ identical to what can be found between a man’s legs. This puzzled Dr Adolf almost till madness; this anatomical detail can yet not be explained by our limited science.
“But putting aside the rational limitations of our thoughts and feebleness of our perceptions, the legend of the strumpet and the stork, known in the local villages as Turubama, has been retold and passed on from one generation to another for at least 9,786 years. Given the amount of time endured by such a story, it is indeed very likely that it has been altered in so many ways that the original form is no longer there; in the same way that the primordial fish from which we all come is not recognizable in our human shapes… though sometimes women can smell as if that very same origin were in between their legs.
“This was not important to Dr. Adolf, who pondered about how the myth could have reached Europe; Robert Adams, the illiterate North American sailor who endured the burning sands of the Sahara desert and discovered the very depths of Timbuktu during the early stages of the nineteenth century, must have had officiated as the bridge for the myth of the Stork and the Strumpet. After the arrival in the Old World, sailing in the Santa María under Cristoforo Colombo‘s command, the legend continued its expansion in the Américas. How could such a thing be possible? How could a man from the fifteenth century carry and retell a story that had reached the Old World almost three hundred years after his supposed deed?
“Dr. Adolf von Ribbentreppen was sure that the Italian explorer and colonizer and killer was in possession of the secret knowledge that would have enabled him to travel through time and space, thus hearing not only Robert Adam’s personal account of the Turubama myth, but also his entire report of those three years that were spent as a slave in North Africa; Colombo also went further forward into the future to find out if any genial writer (will) was going to be able to fictionalize such a remarkable adventure; Timbuctoo was (is) the novel, and Tahir Shah the writer. The Italian now was able to return to his own time and place, and perform his renowned voyage of discovery and murder.
“For me it is fairly obvious that his main reason for achieving (the how is not a question that I’m allowed to answer right now, but that I might be capable of explaining in a near future) (6.9) the discovery (is there any deed, no matter how simple, that does not change the course of what is to come?) that would eventually change the course of history. A more baroque and extended version of the mating story of the Stork and the Strumpet made its presence in the southern parts of the newly discovered continent through the hand – or mouth – of Pedro de Mendoza.
“Certain rumours indicate that a fictionalized version of the myth is anxiously being sought in the black markets of the British Islands. It is described as a four hundred page dossier, handwritten (7) by a notorious carpenter and film maker whose name is unknown, but whose alias is J. My reliable sources tell me that this unpublished novel is on that prohibited shelf which can be found in the heart of the Vatican library, section sixty-five, proving to be a discreet company to a forgotten edition of the Old Testament, written in Coptic.”
As a corollary, I will quote the words that came out the mouth of a Benedictine Monk whose name I can’t remember (8), as a reaction to my own account of the Stork and the Strumpet myth:
Dear Friends, you may go in peace, glorifying the Lord throughout your flying life.
Thanks be to God.
(3) A more than probable origin of the popular saying: to kill two birds with one stone.
(4) Hilario Gómez Gas, professor in the Pontificia Universidad de Vigo, postulates the existence of a conduct that communicates the stork’s beak with the uterus of the soon-to-be mother; this has to be invisible to the human eye. Taken from Revista Universitaria de Vigo, número 4, año MMCI.
(5) The Ministry of Health, Social Services and Equality of Spain have studied the introduction of experienced first class goalkeepers into the stork stoning equation in order to save the fallen babies once the maternal bird gets hit. The first tests proved to be both useful and safe for the rescued baby; those deft sportsmen performed the task properly, catching and holding the fallen one safely and securely. Yet, what did not prove to be quite successful as the catching, was the second stage of the project, also called deliverance. Given the huge amount of conditioning that these former professional goalkeepers had, the clearance attitude could not quite be erased from their muscular memory. Once the baby was proficiently caught, either they bounced him/her as it were a real football – instant death – or simply without a bounce, hit him/her with their right or left foot – epending on the natural tendency of the portero – or simply pretended to make an easy pass with their arm to whoever was in their vicinity. The mortality rate of this second stage of what was known as Proyecto Porteros was above 98.78%. The competent authorities involved in such ground-breaking project are expecting to reach a mortality rate of 99.99% before they completely discard it.
(6) It was insisted during his lifetime that Don José had a platonic affair with Pedro Molin Ereus, a cheerful gardener and Casanovawho used to work in his Majesty’s Court as a landscaper.
(6b) We won’t succumb to the temptation of repeating or of making slight variations of some previous jokes which exists because of that phrase.
(6c) We can’t rule out the possibility that George Michael was really born in Spain as Jorge Miguel, after a failed attempted abortion and, as a consequence, having been raised by the father who eventually inspired his hit song, Father Figure.
(*) The sensible reader might add that how can they claim not to turn a blind eye, when such a caste is already blind from both eyes?
(6.9) Not to be discarded the possibility that Dr. A came, as the possessor of such secrets, from a distant future.
(7) Bitter disputes are still taking place about whether the legend was written with a left hand, a right hand, or both.
(8) His modesty is remarkable: It was previously stated and proved that the memory of Radamés was infallible. This should be taken as a calculated faked loss of memory.