The following is a precise depiction of a moment endured by the human race in a recent past.

The famous religious tabloid Il Corriere della Piazza Popolare Vaticana published these surprising lines: —–. I’m afraid that was a little harmless joke. Here are the real lines, which by the way have nothing to do with the Nazca lines:

“From within the highest ranks of the Vatican, which include our most honourable and beautiful Pope Benedictus XPFJDHSLGHB, those eternal and concealed all powerful and all knowledgeable behind-the-curtain Cardinals, a weird wooden puppet, a supposed blind cross-over singer and a young lady whose dress is still showing the side effects of lap dying, an official document has been recently released in which the greatest and most fashionable Pope ever states that the actual ban to name gay priests will be applied in a retroactive manner. This means that all priests ordained after the second day of the year 1910 of our Lord are expected not to have had expressed in the accountable past, nor to actually express, any sort of signal of longing or any sort of physical manifestation of love towards, both a member of the same gender or a member which is not their own”.

Naturally, this has created a quite bombastic agitation inside the Vatican; a great cloud of concern is floating (with a 98% chance of strong showers and winds) above the ruling elite of the Holy City, as well as over some local dioceses which are already desperately seeking future manly priests in order to prevent a long feared lack of God’s workers. The religious club is losing members, and the Arab Islamic and barbaric foe must be outnumbered at any cost; such is the attitude being reinforced in every Catholic church worldwide – though we are allowed to ask, whether that shortage of members might have something to do with the fondness shown by some important leading figures in the ecclesiastical ranks towards certain inappropriate members?

This is a surprise to many (0), and not quite a novelty for others.

Some studies affirm that if this ban were to be applied in this precise second, the 49th of the hour, or in this precise moment, (though it is worth emphasizing that this is already a bit further away that the past 49th second of the still same hour) being today the third hour of the eighth day of the seventh month of a… (0.1), the Church would only have five 100% old fashioned and assured male priests left (1), and three under suspicion of sexual preference; of course, this is only counting those servants of God who are still alive. This last suspected trio are being submitted to certain screenings of different types of films that are quite popular within the homosexual community, as well as theatrical plays and musicals in order to measure both the reactions of the neural-transmission and the physical responses that could occur when, for instance, Julia Roberts gets the chance to buy all the dresses she fancies in the modern pro-prostitution adaptation of Cinderella.

Besides this test of psychological endurance, the suspected trio will be subsequently submitted to endless sodomy sessions in which several Pinocchio dolls of different sizes and shapes, such as the overweight Pinocchio, Basketball Centre Pinocchio, Rugby Prop Pinocchio, Bulimic Pinocchio, and the predictable ad libitum ad aeternum, will be introduced through the spot that shan’t ever be caressed by the warming thus drying rays of the sun, as a poet would sing it. The aim is to confirm or discard the supposed homosexual aberration (1.1); if the suspected trio refuses to play after the posterior visits in a childish manner with those soon-to-be-brown dolls, the result will be as clear as those Ganges waters.

Bets in the Indonesian markets pay 5/10 in favour of the suspected deviation. (2)

The new chosen postulates or candidates, if elected, will be paid a generous wage (secret sources suggest an eight figure monthly salary), including two months vacation and also, as a compliment of the house, free access to a vast variety of prostitutes, including Berlusconi’s favourites. The undergoing tests that these aspirants must face are suspected to be, according to some rumours, utterly difficult; according to some other rumours, tremendously difficult. Some examples:

• A wild weekend with Pinocchio and the world famous singer André Bobassi
• Reading Abu Kasem’s Opus Magnum for seventy-five days in a row without eating nor drinking
• And some other very difficult tasks which, due to lack of creativity and the roasting Moroccan heat, will not be explicated in this report *

What will happen with those nuns of the opposite sex, that which is female? What will occur with the Yin force within the Vatican?

A group of nuns, represented by Sister Roina van der Strajkglksjnfjkfhsdndun, head, arm and legs of the Dutch Carmelites, expressed some concerns about the actual mayhem in which the institution is falling; she is not only worried about those dubious testing methods’ ethics, but also with the possibilities of injuries that the Church itself is exposing by falling in such a manner. These disturbed feminine holy workers, in sight of what happened with his priests brothers, wonder if they could ever, through an overly intense affective inclination, commit themselves to love other women in a physical or mental fashion; and they also raised a question that has been haunting those ill-fated divine workers for centuries: can a woman with moustache still be considered a woman?

The reply came swiftly but not without a lacking element of surprise; it was shocking and revolutionary as well. Dictated to one of his favourite butlers by the Pope himself, it reads:

“Dearest sisters, you can freely choose from the human menu available at life’s diner. The only requirement is that we, Pope, Patriarchs, Major Archbishops, Cardinals, Primates, Metropolitans, Archbishops, Diocesans Bishops, and every servant that ranks higher than priesthood, must be able to watch at all times and places those delights of your love endeavours; it makes no difference to us if a man, several men, a woman or several of them, a cow, a whole herd of them, or even sheep, are involved; we shall not even complain about the number of participants nor if you practice by yourselves, in the arts of selfish love. Dear sisters, you choose what is of your fancy, and we will be watching, unnoticed. And you are still a woman even if that shady moustache shadows your mouth.

PS: This lack of boundaries carries naturally some petite requests on our part. You are to share your make up, underwear and diet tips with us.”

Predictably, the above mentioned letter inspired passionate debates around the religious world, as well as outrageous proposals like the following: Klkj, lsldfjoihs, 3093, lkflsjdsf!

I’m afraid that what you’ve just read, and by that we refer to: Klkj, lsldfjoihs, 3093, lkflsjdsf! was another harmless joke (déjà vu).

Now, let’s immerse ourselves in what probably ought to be considered the most polemic proposal.

An over excited Priest and famous Professor in Physics and Biology (we refuse to affect his career, hence, we won’t disclose his name unless a worthy sum is forwarded to the editor of this masterpiece), at a conference in Harvard, during the presentation of his last colossal work about beauty, perception, dialectics and aesthetics entitled I love how the consecrated host dissolves in my mouth like an M&M, proposed:

“What if we place some naked nuns, as they play their dirty hellish lustful games during the Sunday mass, and the officiating priest, dressed with an angelic uniform, milks them in situ? If you don’t fancy that, we could pretend the priest is the milking Pinocchio who burns himself up after a passionate display of lavish self-love and makes a triumphal re-appearance disguised as the Fairy.”

A reckless idea that would find a probable insurmountable difficulty: that of finding pregnant or lactating nuns; or allowing, for instance, cows, sheep, whales or any other lactating mammal to be ordained as divine workers.

The Boston Police had to break in and detain this lunatic old man, who refused to end his conference; great doses of Valium did the trick, disguised as M&M’s.

Further investigations proved useful when some dangerous bonds were uncovered for the sake of the Catholic Church and Human Kind as well. He – and only because a fair amount of pounds have reached the editor’s hand we are allow to reveal his first name – Professor of Physics, Biology, and Father Piotr, was a business partner with Gepetto (aka Dio or God), a Sicilian tailor with links inside the ‘Ndrangeta. He, Father Piotr, could also have been involved (along with several employees of the Saint Chichastarmic Cathedral) in the trafficking of wooden dolls.

The Opus Dei, on the other hand (the left one please), energetically repudiated the famous but still secret Abu Kasem’s Opus Magnum, required the mysterious author’s international capture, and also emphatically denied that they were a vicious porn-adept sect and that they had nothing to do with child exploitation and harassment, nor with any other unlawful sexual practice outside the holy sacrament of marriage. Lastly, they strongly denied having links with Pinocchio, André Bobassi or Will and the Pear Shakes.

The funny thing is that there were no accusations whatsoever about those matters above mentioned.

The Professor’s complete name is Piotr Illych Molineronke.

This chronicle is about to reach its end, and the clouds are about to cry.

(0) Is it fair to ask how many? (3)

(0.1) Due to both security reasons and the deplorable state in which the original text is in, we can’t explicitly state the year. Among other reasons, because we, those responsible for these lines, do not consider safe nor appropriate to expose a date to uncertain abuses, by making it explicit.

*Temperature seems to have fallen to 21°, but I’m not in the mood. Sorry.

It appears to be a flagrant oxymoron, given that not a single human being can claim to be a 100% heterosexual. The human nature is formed of Yin and Yang, both energetic flows coexisting within one body, though not within one steady self; thus states Dr Richard Gamblemasterputty, emeritus professor of the Max Planck Institute for the Better Understanding of the Human Spices. Yes, it is correctly written: Spices.

Manfred Alt, famous libertarian and Psychiatrist of the Jungian School, objects: It is not the act itself that defines the sexual preference, but that intimate attraction felt by the adorer or the perceiver. It does not matter what you do, but what you long for. Or as Pluto, also known as Plato’s cousin, would have put it into such words: Thou art what Thou long for.

(2) The reader can, at this stage and due to the lack of further clarification, feel free to assume that all those that rank higher than priests are not affected by this new prohibition. Famous constitutionalist and world-celebrated barrister Dr John Parrish, expressed some concerns in a letter published in The Times, Sunday edition. It reads: That which is not forbidden, is assumed to be allowed. Must I assume, as a proud member of the Catholic Church, that those called, for instance, Abbots, are free to choose between an orange, a marmot, a capybara, a goat, a man or a woman? After reading such a letter we can perfectly understand why former Dr., now simply John Parrish, was expelled from the London College of Law. He got the reply he deserved through the pen of an unknown reader of The Times, which was published the following Sunday: It’s obvious that Abbots have dedicated their entire lives and have sworn to serve God beyond any carnal temptation. You should be ashamed to call yourself a ‘proud member of the Catholic Church’; fuck off.

(3) Yes, it is. (Ed.) (4)

(4) OK then, how many? (5)

(5) According to last polls, many imply around 1.3 trillion people. (6)

(6) And Others? (7)

(7) A poll is under way. Results will be published as soon as possible. (8)

(8) ad aeternum ad imaginatus (9)

(9) Implies that the joke could go on eternally, provided your imagination can create those proper conditions for humour to grow ad aeternum ad imaginatus.