Abukasem the Greedy PerfumerThe famous theologian and member of the Royal College of Theological Studies, Sir Rigobert Angus Buss (who by the way was always full, especially during rush hours and after meals) feels that he deserves a place in the pantheon of the champions of Theology; hence, he offers us a quite ground breaking (0) and, why not, risky theory that would eventually prove to be the key to his scholar Olympus:

“If Pinocchio were Jesus, or Jesus were Pinocchio (1), or the other way around, the mere idea of a crucifixion per se would be (and is) an awful and despicable redundancy; and given that God shan’t be regarded as a second class poet, I feel obliged to propose and produce an alternative side of religion’s most famous crime, which I do sincerely believe took place in some other fashion; that the lavish and inevitable crime-sacrifice could have been hand-produced.

“It is due to my profound connection with the Lord, that I speak this sentence:

“Instead of being predictably left to die on the cross, the wooden Messiah was fiercely induced to an act of frantic and lustful masturbatory movements until, as a natural consequence of two wooden ends under friction, fire, one of the many faces of the unnameable dark enemy, made its scorching appearance, thus burning the Master till death, releasing us from the unbearable weight of the original sin. (2)

“God proves, even without the necessity to do so, to be the father of all poets, the ancestor to all dramatists and play writers, creating everlasting life through death. I myself, an expert in Provençal and French, can assure you, dear readers, that the origin of the expression la petite mort finds its birth in this act of divine love: the grand mort. Life through death. How fucking poetic is that shit, man?

“Once we accept these facts, the natural question arises:

“What was it that helped the Master make that passionate self-sacrifice possible? (3) What helped him raise his weapon in order to conquer death? Is that the possible origin of the legend of Parsifal and the spear that guarded the Holy Grail? What was he thinking of? Is it a blasphemy to tread on those squally paths? If I’m the one that has to answer, I would say that the love for humanity inspired his bodily reaction, which ultimately made the friction both possible and effective. I refuse to accept the mere possibility of the Master lying nor resorting to ancient potions in order to gain a full enhancement.” (3.0)

The Abbot of Costello’s Cathedral is more willing to accept that a mortal lie, or should we say a black lie, could have triggered the Master’s bloodshot reaction. He claims that:

“What is done for the sake of humanity, travels far beyond the grasp of common judgement. That what matters is the end, and He used part of his human-doll nature to achieve some amazing features in such stressful times for Him. Think, dear parishioners, if you could be able to achieve a muscular in-between-the-legs-force, in such a public and sombre situation. Ponder upon that”. (3.1)

The diatribe of Sir Rigobert Angus Buss continues like this:

“Under the light that this theory brings, we can fully understand the reason why Pontius Pilatus washed his own hands at such a crucial moment of history; he was about to show the inexperienced wooden Messiah how to proceed with those adolescent feverish activities of selfish love. Even though he deserves all our eternal disdain, we should acknowledge, through our sense of chivalry, Pilatus’ hygienic gesture of washing his hands before posing them on his private parts. Well done Ponti!

“Naturally (and understandable), this theory has its adepts, its addicts, its inepts and those who are recovering from such a mess; but not only does this dialectic logical process offer us a much more sensible explanation about the wooden Messiah, in addition, it enlightens us in a matter of such importance as the probable cause of what helped our Human Kind discover fire; without a doubt the milestone of our age, and the delight of chefs around the world. (4)

“What about the resurrection?

“In this case, we are inclined (5) to think that Pinocchio’s post mortem appearance in the form of a flesh and blood being represents the victory of life over death, of light over shadows; flesh over wood, milk over my coffee and water over fire: the making of a complete Man”. *

The ways of the Lord are inextricable, and so is the art of storytelling. In Pinocchio’s biography, in Carlo Collodi’s version, the Fairy Godmother is to be responsible of his ultimate transformation. According to words uttered by Sir Rigobert Buss’s adjunct, the remarkable Abbot from Saint Chichastarmic Cathedral, Sir John Leigh Cab (only books in advance), the fantastic fairy-like character could have been inspired in Angel Gabriel’s top-secret role in the Messiah’s resurrection.

Does that imply that the Angel wore a fairy guise in order to distract the dying Messiah and to deceive Lucifer? Or was he, if we are allowed to give a gender to Mr. Gabriel, really a fairy, who flew around with a magic wand? Did he (again, sorry for assuming a masculine naming) have a secret companion, viz the real fairy? And are fairies simply a re-adaptation of those angelic presences in the holy scriptures?

Thanks to some brilliant ideas, we are able to insinuate a possible explanation for this. What do we mean by this? Nobody knows, but nonetheless, we carry on with this exceptional speculatory piece of writing.

Regarding the Angel’s Gabriel guise, Sir Rigobert Buss suggests that:

“There is nothing censurable about the Angel wearing a fairy costume; it is common knowledge that they lack a proper gender. It is perfectly natural for them to cross-dress, just like it’s usual for a little chap in his late twenties to enjoy the caresses of his mother’s silk underwear while he plays football”.

Nonetheless, we beg the reader not to panic in excess when confronted with this dialect mayhem; these atrocious theories were completely unmasked and terminally discarded when the Vatican Secret Service found, both in Saint Chichastarmic Cathedral, and Sir Rigobert’s private home, several thousand Pinocchio wooden dolls, along with stock shares of certain companies in the transportation business based in the West Indies and in New Delhi, of an estimated value of £7.8 billion, besides future estimates related to the selling boost of the infamous doll, which was planned to be launched into the market once the New Testament was altered in order to include the wooden Messiah as a central figure.

Such despicable human beings do not certainly deserve to be called Men, not even human beings.

So, we will rephrase the last sentence:

Such despicable (…) do not certainly deserve to be called (…). They don’t even deserve the benefit of being referred to as dolls.

In this case, we have to correct the last written sentence once again:

Such despicable (…) do not certainly deserve to be called (…) They don’t even deserve the benefit of being referred to as (…).

Honouring our coherence, we shall, for the last time, rephrase this assertion:

Such despicable do not certainly deserve to be called They don’t even deserve the benefit of being referred to as

Finally, and making good use of what the former Sir Rigobert used as a slogan, we do affirm that the ways of the Lord are indeed inextricable; and gratefully so.

A casual incident helped the public opinion express their unanimous and categorical judgement, whose nature the reader will soon understand easily; by the forces of chance, or fate, or perhaps it was the very own fate of chance, or a slight shadow of chance in fate itself, both former Sirs were seen at a public toilet in Hyde Park, putting into practice that reprehensible act of selfish and lavish love, with the help of their hands, and later, when the heat rose, with their mouths.(6)

According to newspaper’s reports, in order to carry out that act of self-lust, they produced a complex machinery which seemed to represent a wooden arm, supposedly enacting the fake Pinocchio-Messiah’s act of sacrifice, whilst the other, imbued in the role of Pilatus, washed his hands frenetically and then taught the supposed wooden doll how to proceed accurately. A third masculine figure was spotted chanting and blowing kisses around the two miserable deranged lunatics, wearing an angelic guise, pretending to be Pinocchio’s Fairy, whereas some green little twigs smoked alongside, giving the horrendous rite a hellish ambiance. (7)

(0) It is said that the man who read his complete theory for the first time fell into an abyss that opened just where he was sitting, or standing, or jumping, or crawling. (Ed.)

(2) Certain elites within the Vatican are beginning to quote this theory in order to help understanding of why such a selfish activity is condemned by the official Church. Also, a group of scientists under the protection of the holy state are trying to elucidate the weight of the Original Sin. (Ed. soon to appear in these same pages). But as it always happens, confrontation rises in every social movement; in this case, opposing those who ban the selfish act of self love, we find the mystic sect called Pinocchieros, fervent adepts to that lavish fake love activity. The cornerstone of the corpus of their belief is that salvation and enlightenment is due to come, paradoxically, through masturbatory explosion; the expel of the masculine seed, if performed during a set of complex prayers, should produce the instant transcendence and resurrection, which in this particular case would transform the devoted man of flesh and bone into a wise wooden doll.

(3) Notably, we can also infer the fabled tampering that occurred within the realm of storytelling; the infamous alteration of the growing limb in Pinocchio’s nature. Originally, according to historian Lord Gerard Lukinson “that which grew through the force of a lie, was not his nose, but his penis”. If this were to be true, the lie becomes the path towards Death and posterior salvation of the human race. This reinforces the Vatican’s condemnation of such lustful and solitary acts. “The lie is the path that leads to eternal doom. Thou shall not lie, but if Thou liest, Thou shan’t answer nature’s call. If Thou shall succumb to the temptation of the blood, the blazing fires of Hell shall be thou eternal doom”.

(3.0) Nowadays, it’s common to see how alternative therapies are being offered to those who refuse to ingest chemicals in order to regain the lost masculine potency. Mystical schools in which the adept is trained into different forms of Lies are blooming these days. (Ed)

(3.1) It is worth emphasizing that Mark, the Abbot’s Christian name, was a well-known mythomaniac, as well as a dexterous lover, whose fame extended on the hole of the British Empire. Ed. we can’t be sure whether the absence of the letter w is deliberate or not.

(4) This simple historical fact could be used to explain some figures of speech such as the fiery love passion, a passion life fire, the fire of love, you make me see fireworks, firecracker, we didn’t start the fire, eternal flame, come on baby light my fire, and those expressions that bond both Love and Fire in the same sentence. As the North American poet used to chant: “Love is the cause of Fire. Fire is the result of Love. O, tender and hardness dance together in the Genesis of Heat and Spit”. We also give place to an awkward question such as: “What’s the actual meaning of the song Great Balls of Fire?” Could it have something to do with this historical event? Does it represent the author’s religious beliefs? Is the author an avatar of the Messiah?

(5) Could this be a hint of the author’s sexual preferences and the posterior denouement of his life? (Ed.)

*Thanks to the mathematical inquisitions performed by the great Russian polymath Sasha Romanenko, some left-wing churches are claiming what seems at prima facie, to be a ridiculous assertion: “If the Messiah burned himself to death, then, his re-appearance into human form should be confined to the looks of a black man, or African American, or African British, or African Japanese, or African Asian American, and so forth, depending on where the church in question is based”.

(6) Due to a lack of explicitness, we cannot assure whether the mouth was used for a selfish or altruistic act.

(7) A soon to be known enormous amount of deaths should be placed upon the shoulders of these creatures who, through their morbid and perverse theories incited countless adolescents, and many who are well past that hardened stage, to fervently masturbate under the promise that they would experience the visit of the Holy Spirit, in the form of a crown made of fire. Drained of their seeds, with signs of starvation and dehydration, this innocent victims faced a fire-less dry-death.