Short Reads

Short Reads from the Perfumer’s Apprentice

Authorized by his master Abu Kasem to share the product of his observations about human nature, distilled after centuries of wandering on this planet, Radamés da Silva considers that this is a propitious moment to share them with the whole of humanity and thus contribute his small grain of sand in pursuit of the salvation of the species… and the spice.

He is an old disciple, and perhaps the only one, of Abu Kasem, the greedy perfumer. His origins are, to say the least, obscure. His rumoured birthplace is Nueva Palmira, in Uruguay. The date, unknown. His age is timeless, like nothingness.

Bidet

Our common origin is water, and to it we shall all return. In the meantime, we can prepare ourselves by forsaking earth-ravaging toilet paper and turning to – and sitting on – water.

If we get all muddy, we do not clean ourselves with a kitchen roll; we resort to that lovely manna that encompasses almost all of our beloved Gaia.

So, why not do the same with that spot on which the sun never shines? Why remain a part of the barbaric paper-using hordes, when we can actually save trees, help Gaia and make our lovers happier?

The bidet is your tushy’s best friend. Open yourself up to the fountain of liquid possibilities.

Catch and Release

Exposing the worst of human behaviour, Radames – our champion of both the foreskin and now our beloved aquatic friends, the fish – describes in his unique style why catch-and-release fishing is sheer torture… and a damning reflection of our own brutality and stupidity. 

Employing analogies that could only surface in such an original mind, the former-oral now literary Radames uses humour and his characteristic naughty undertones to reveal our worst qualities… 

Once you start, you’ll be caught – hook, line and sinker. 

Circumcision

Erecting himself as a champion of the voiceless, Radames pierces through religions and ideologies to expose the archaic practice of circumcision in all its barbarism – a practice that is still needlessly maiming innocent little boys today. 

The Perfumer’s Apprentice interweaves fascinating historical context with incredible conspiracy theories about the origins and ruthless perpetuation of the circumcisional procedure, all bathed in an irresistible common-sense approach and almost Vulcanic logic. 

This enlightening essay encapsulates the hope that we may one day look back at this abusive custom… and duly slap ourselves in the face.