Blog8The Real Ministerio de Tránsito y Transporte (The Royal Minister of Transit and Transport) from Spain[1] have published some astounding figures that have made an impact within society in a variety of forms:

“The RMTE have gathered some grave and worrying indicators which are being shared with you, dear citizens, just as our duty obliges and commands, through this very bulletin. The statistics show that 97% of traffic accidents – that is, all those mishappenings that involve at least one motorized vehicle – and when we write motorized vehicle we typify them as follows: mopeds, scooters, motorcycles, cars, electric-cars, diesel cars, trucks, helicopters, aeroplanes, UFOs, go-karts, electric wheelchairs, any given citizen that is running above seventeen kilometres per hour – occur in the vicinity of the home belonging to at least one of the drivers of the motorized vehicles involved in the accident.

“It is also noticeable that 89% of the previously mentioned percentage of traffic mishappenings occurs within 300 metres of the family home of at least one of the drivers involved in such a motorized accident. The Spanish state will immediately proceed to take extreme and prompt measures in order to alter the natural course of this traffic scourge; we do love and therefore care about our citizens, being such a fondness the force that drives us forward; of course, this is done super safely, with the seatbelt on, and abiding by all traffic rules.”

So far, the bulletin; and so it closes. The end.

The Galician newspaper La Gaceta de Vigo, reports:

“A vast number of citizens from Vigo, Mortensen, A Coruña, Lugo, and other insignificant hamlets, are desperately putting their houses, farms, and flats on the market, so they can safely move to at least 400 metres from their soon-to-be-old place of residence, whether they possess a motorized vehicle or not: such is the scope of the accidental paranoia.

“Nationwide analysts and scholars assume that the reason for this moving mayhem might be to avoid suffering the certainly menacing motorized accident (sure to be fatal) in the vicinity of the home. Prices have shot through the roof and, on the other side, the anxiety and fear of dying is pushing desperate owners to auction their houses to the lowest and most miserable and heartless bidder.”

Because the human mind is vast and imaginative, even in this part of the country, some ideas are continuously being suggested, though not all of them are propelled by a monetary interest. One of those is monopolizing attention above the others; and because of this factor, it’s being promoted and sponsored by the ESA, which in Spanish means España sin Automóviles (Spain without Automobiles); citizens are being stimulated through tax reductions and other fiscal benefits, to sell their motorised vehicles in order to avoid the almost certain possibility of an almost certain (and fatal) accident within that diabolical 300 metre radius from any given house of any given motorized, hence disgraced and doomed citizen.

At the same time, such an incentive would stop the real estate rampage, allowing the prices to slowly find their natural equilibrium, and the devilish bidders who take advantage of the desperate-to-sell owners would find a definite place in hell.

The usual opportunistic and unscrupulous businessmen have already seen the trick, taking advantage of every doubt that arises after such a generous state offer: thousands of private parking spaces are being built in the midst of residential areas, so the troubled and anguished neighbours will be able to park their cars at a prudent distance from their homes, thus maintaining the sacred 300 radial metres of separation; this, just as promised by the money sharks, will solve the conundrum.

Nevertheless, a simple incident suffices to collapse the collective exercise of logic and monetary speculation, perhaps forever: accidents are slowly starting to occur within a 300 metre radius if we were to consider the public (private) parking spaces/buildings as the epicentre. A common testimony that helps to reinforce the previous assertion:

A plain and regular citizen who happens to be a 23 year old psychology student and promising salesman, infuriatedly spits that:

Hombre! (something similar to “Mate!”), I almost sold my house for less than half its actual value! And I almost did the same with my beloved car, coño!; I really put a lot of effort into buying that gorgeous Renául. One hijoputa (son of a bitch, or motherfucker if you prefer the incestuous way of speaking) convinced me to park my car in his fucking parking lot, some 500 radial meters from my own house; he promised for all heavens and the madre que lo parió (the mother that gave birth to him or the hijoputa) that nothing would happen to me or to the car. Now, I can’t stop crashing every time I try to get to his fucking Parking shit. There’s something strange and diabolical in this matter. I think the best thing for me to do is to sell el coche de los putos cojones (something like the motherfucking car) and que todo se vaya a tomar po’culo (and let everything go to the fucking hell)”.

At this point, the editor of the Gaceta criteriously edits the report to prevent an unpleasant stream of insults and abundance of foul language.

A little boy named Pedrito, of Moroccan parents, suggested an option that would help prevent the twilight of cars and other motorized vehicles; with his candour and innocence, he whispered that in his opinion, crashes occur because of the excessive confidence – hence, distractions – of the driver who, in the proximity of the longed for arrival, relaxes and believes to know each crossroad, each tempo, each probable vehicle – thus falling into the trap of that sin which is better known as arrogance. Because of the previous, he ends up colliding, as does a gilipollas (ass-hole).

Naturally, nobody gave credit to the fair-minded, humble and wise Pedrito, who is now sailing on a patera (open boat) aimed, if this verb can be used in such a circumstance, at Morocco, with the ashamed company of his entire family, ejected and banished for ever from the land of the Jabugo and Locomia. The reasons, miserably read by the mayor of A Coruña, illustrated that it was not possible to allow the lingering of a devil-sent and misleading abuser of pseudo-logical thinking.

After justifying himself for expelling the innocent Moroccan family, José Luis Pérez de los Campos Po (the mayor of A Coruña) felt the pressure of the voting neighbours; the now famous carriage-law has been recently decreed as a witness of such a coercive force. It rules that all citizens must only use horses, chariots and bicycles, these being the currently authorized means of transport. If the use of a car or any other motorized vehicle proves to be inevitable, it has to be parked at least 70.000 meters away from the driver’s home, and the triumphant approach to the abode in question must be achieved through walking at a pace which proves to be slower than 2 kilometres per hour.

The national government is observing attentively how events develop in the North-West region of the country, and are considering special subsidies to help the needs born after the new decree.

Extracts from an article written by Roberto Pérez Gómez y Gómez for the Gaceta de Vigo, pages 3 to 89, 6th of February, 2006.

[1] Please, do bear in mind that for the Latin culture, the Spanish, or more precisely the “Gallegos” (people from Galicia, in Northern Spain), are the hillbillies, the simpletons, the dummies… the Scottish of the English.