We will avoid at present the previous pompous overtural displays to our very own transcriptions of the Opus Magnum due to some lack of creativity and some laziness as well; hence we shall quote a couple of words which populate our affable literary guide which will surely serve the very same purpose than the already pompous and discarded baroqueism. If you, dear reader, still ignore the subject that we have just mentioned – search! It is precisely for this reason (and many others) that it has been said: Seek and Ye shall find; and if Ye don’t find it’s because Ye did not know what it was Ye were looking for; but if Ye know what is it Ye are looking for but can’t seem to find it, probably Ye ignore that Ye only believe to possess that knowledge and as a result Ye really don’t know what it is Ye are looking for; therefore Ye shall not be able to find it; or probably Ye don’t know that Ye already know what it is Ye are looking for, and such a thing is right in front of your nose. (1)
In Mark 5, 1-20, we read (it’s more than a figure of speech, because if you fail to read the biblical quote, you won’t be able to understand the upcoming account; therefore I strongly recommend that you get close to a Bible, take it with your own hands, and read the referenced Mark’s words. In case you are not able to read them, be it because you are blind or illiterate, I can just tell you to fuck off, because you won’t be able to read my insults he he he [laughs]; but if you are at full capacity yet you happen not to have a Bible at home, then get one please or you shall spend an eternity in Hell. If you can’t afford it, you are entitled to rob [bearing in my mind that you will only be forgiven of such a sin if you steal the exact cost of a King Jaime’s Bible hardcover edition] the first person you come across, and buy one. If that victim proves to have no money, then you are entitled to steal from the second person you come across: only then you are to share a portion of the bounty with the first unsuccessful victim [this, of course, if you finally end up robbing the second proposed pedestrian; otherwise, the numbers are to be altered in order to reflect reality: the bounty will always have to be shared with all those who despite being penniless suffered the failed robbery attempt], and only then, purchase the Bible. If the necessary Holy Book is at home, please do stop reading these lines [yet, try to reach the end of this sentence at least] and continue once you are inside your house. If you comply with all the necessary requirements and still cannot read Mark’s words, please proceed to open the Bible. For those who are one handed and still enjoy the presence of the right hand, please do it as you can; but if it’s around way other the, you should use your left hand to study Maurice Ravel’s piano concerto for the left hand in D major) something about some pigs and Jesus.
After some lines of deliberation, I’ve decided to share Mark’s words, but only for the blind, the illiterate, and those who tried to abide by my rules but still could not find a proper Bible.
“And they came to the other side of the sea, into the country of the Gerasenes. And when he was come out of the boat, straightway there met him out of the tombs a man with an unclean spirit, who had his dwelling in the tombs: and no man could any more bind him, no, not with a chain; because that he had been often bound with fetters and chains, and the chains had been rent asunder by him, and the fetters broken in pieces: and no man had strength to tame him. And always, night and day, in the tombs and in the mountains, he was crying out, and cutting himself with stones. And when he saw Jesus from afar, he ran and worshipped him; and crying out with a loud voice, he saith, ‘What have I to do with thee, Jesus, thou Son of the Most High God? I adjure thee by God, torment me not’. For he said unto him, ‘Come forth, thou unclean spirit, out of the man’. And he asked him, ‘What is thy name?’ And he saith unto him, ‘My name is Legion; for we are many’. And he besought him much that he would not send them away out of the country. Now there was on the mountain side a great herd of swine feeding. And they besought him, saying, ‘Send us into the swine, that we may enter into them’. And he gave them leave. And the unclean spirits came out, and entered into the swine: and the herd rushed down the steep into the sea, in number about two thousand; and they were choked in the sea”.
Of course it continues for a couple of verses, but these are the ones that matter for the moment: remember it’s all about the Nazarene and the pigs.
The incessant eyeish (2) consumption performed by our ineffable and abundant mate called Porky (3) ignited within his very own animality a certain indignation which ultimately inspired his memoires, entitled The Foetid and Stuttery Life of a Crazy Looney Toon. His ambitious work spans for more than seventy-seven years of animated existence; but such a task needed all the help available. Porky was kindly joined by three little piggy fellows that the reader will naturally be able to place in the History of Fables, precisely within the realm of the Three Little Pigs.
“Astonishment is the word that accurately describes what I feel whilst reading and re-reading that which my tremulous eyes deny to accept as truth: God, our Father, axis of the Holy Trinity through his own sacrificed son, second in the aerial trinitarian ladder, openly despises us pigs by transforming us into an evil vessel for malignant spirits to then be thrown out into the sea.
“Despite having extensively researched in my own family tree, I was unable to find any blood relation between me and those accidentally suicidal folks; fact which does not and will not stop me from feeling some sympathy, empathy and apathy as well (4) for those second class piggies. I must admit though, that I do feel a kind of cousinly affection (5), sensation aimed at my three little cherished friends who are already part of an immortal tale and whose names I won’t reveal due to security issues: Jean Paul, Ludwig and Eusebio; more than friends, they are like first cousins to me.
“But before I renounce to my Roman Catholic Apostolic Religion, which was once proclaimed by Flavius Valerius Aurelius Constantinus Augustus, I have written some lines to my buddy Pinocchio, who has been recently sprinkled and sparked with divinity rumours. He succinctly replied:
“’I have nothing to do with that. I’m not Jesus or any of that wacko bullshit people are saying and writing ‘bout me. Leave me alone so I can safely masturbate, and stop busting my balls about religious crap’ (6).
“Confronted with such scarcity of words, I consulted with the Prior of the Order of the Holiest of Mothers of the Forsaken by the Storm of the Day Before Last Wednesday. Using his habitual chlorideal clarity, he explains:
“’My dear Brother Romualdo García Pedrosa (Porky’s real name): do not succumb to those animal impulses that inhabit within yourself, my dear. It would be far more advantageous for you if you could lovingly read the text, embracing the allegorical style, once designed to show us and inform us of an eternal message that goes far beyond the herdish circumstances, which is included in that very same Gospel that you fervently quote. Naturally, the Messiah always acted (and continues to do so) with divine inspiration – which perhaps is infinite – and with a meagre margin of error below 0.000000000000001 % (7). Maybe it might be useful for you to observe the whole pig herd affair as a great parable offered by the Nazarene who, by possessing knowledge of all the ultimate truths, expelled the unworthy and undesirable (Legion as metaphor of the many knots present in Rumi’s string: Even though you tie a hundred knots – the string remains one) out of the body of that pathetic man, placing or throwing him/them into the little pigs; it is not necessary for me to remind you, given that it’s already common knowledge, about the towering cholesterol levels that your race transmits to man through your stupendous fat (8). Precisely this is what turned out to be mortal for Satan, a Legion that always, since the pre-Adamic times abused gluttonicly (9) of foods rich in saturated fat, focusing his masticatory lust in the famous sausages and chorizos madrileños (10).’
“These reasonable explanations somehow abated our grief and indignation. By the way: I’ve managed to make my little cousins retake their daily obligatory prayer regime (150.000 Pater Noster and 67.890 Ave Maria) (11), as well as the feigned stonings that always draw a smile upon my face; and I must admit some days I do break a little wind, because these motherfuckers can be really funny and wild. Of course, they have humbly retaken that healthy and recommendable custom which is called self-flagellation, but only when they feel tempted by the meat and fat of any given slutty and mouth-watering piggy girl.
“For my part, I will be eternally grateful to our Prior. The reason? My slim figure and the almost complete absence of fat throughout my delicious porkality. I do not wish the Fallen One to see me only as a beautiful vessel that merely exists to be stuffed and invaded so then he can take me to the hellish oven in order to cook me eternally. If destiny so wants it, I shall force the Legion to enter only through nature’s ways: not the ears, not the nose, not the mouth… and please, remember that I can’t swim”.
Editor’s Note: Fragment badly written by Romualdo during a cold December morning, under a Hot Dogs stand, in the Pier 39, San Francisco.
About the Three Little Pigs fable: it will be analysed in some possible future.
(1) It might be added that If Ye knew what it is Ye were looking for, then for sure Ye would not be reading this because Ye would be busy with what Ye have found.
(2) Radamés was once (and forever) inspired by his genial expression, the very one that has caused the existence of this footnote. Then he started to work through eyeish and its subsequent variations with the laudable intention of subtly transforming the whole essence of language, so that ultimately such an invention-creation-inspiration would permit or allow an economy of words that he felt utmost essential. He used to repeat during his morning walks: More with less; To save in extension so to gain in expression. Or as Giulio Cesare put it: Cum Voce Maxima Minimum Tractus.
(3) Nothing to do with an Australian connotation. Though certain historians did ask with honesty if Porky could have had assumed the role of traitor, as Judas did with Christ; or that role of hero according to the Three Versions of Judas composed by the unknown Nils Runeberg and written by the genial mind of our sombre Borges. The purgatory of all evil. The Cathartic Pig, as Aristotle could have named him if he had had the chance to read this masterpiece.
(4) On occasions Bipolarity is clearly manifested by the author himself; in others, it is indeed manifested through the author herself… though I am inclined to admit, as the translator of this piece, that I do not entirely agree with myself regarding the bipolarity issue (TBPN).
(5) Another remarkable example of the infallible linguistic invention of the swine author.
(6) Some authors, among which we can find Mads Peter Djörgremm, brand this phrase as fallacious, given that Pinocchio did not possess real testicles but tiny wooden spheres which only existed for aesthetic purposes.
(7) It is fair to ask about the use of such a percentage when we are referring to the Messiah. Human judgement is fallible per natura, even if we are judging Christ’s divinity. All human perception is weak and incongruous; hence, one could never prefigure the supreme aspirational perfection. Jesus the man was exposed to failure, whilst his divine side was perfect and complete; his powers (which were not his, and were merely capacities or tools designed for a specific work) only served his historical task. The rest was human and fallible. That’s why the Prior leaves that tiny figure as a symbol of the inscrutable.
(8) Necessary is to clarify that before the year 1876 it was widely accepted that the pig’s fat was always harmful for humans no matter through which channel the food was ingested/introduced. The great Polish and always clean chemist Witkeck Triufpwert discovered in that same year that the swine fat only proved to be harmful when it was ingested/introduced orally. After a lifetime of research, he could not prove that those other barbaric non-oral practices were or are an enemy for human coronary health.
(9) More examples of his endless inventions. Gluttonicly: to eat with extreme gluttony and great relish.
(10) One of the most debated ideas among the leading intellectuals of the theological world is the assertion that enthrones the North American actor Kevin Bacon as a hidden saint, working in the shadows inside the Hollywood corrupt and hellish inner circles in order to act as a magnet that would attach all evil to himself. Note the vibrant relationship between Magneto and the fictional movie character Sebastian Shaw – which is brought to life by KB himself – featured in X-Men: First Class. *Taken from the famous magazine Movie Freak and Religious Geeks, edition of April, 2012.
(11) According to some calculations done by an elite group of mathematicians from Yale University, if those penance prayers were to be performed by the average religious pig, they would take around 2500 hours per day for the Pater Noster and some 1131.5 hours per day for the Ave Maria. The question that keeps torturing the scientists is: how could they manage to do it?
(12) There is still no text for this footnote, but there might be one in the inscrutable future.