As we enjoy the enormous privilege of smelling and also of being able to read and offer our very eyes such a marvellous literary feast – and yes we are referring to the original copy of our admired Abu Kasem’s anthological master work – we feel some sort of urge to share with you, beloved readers, (though we are uncertain how many are there), some pages from this infinite best-seller, that has nothing to do with any privileged member of the Peter Sellers’ family, entitled Opus Magnum.
Bonding ourselves with chance, we thus open the masterpiece as we empty ourselves from expectancy, and with a feather-light ego, we read:
“The simple but yet puzzling matter of the apple as the fundamental and symbolic evil fruit, paired off with that lavish and tempting serpent, could be of such unexpected depth that we are obliged to inform those readers who are in this very moment ingesting these lines to stop right away if your swimming abilities are not at least proficient or if you are without the proper accompaniment (**); and such a depth, that goes far beyond the common imagination; it might even hide within samples of the ugliest human vileness, as well as the most evil (0) manipulations ever witnessed by men, or women, or puppets, or blind folks, or shamans, or cooks, or woodpeckers, or sweaty pianists, or Abbots, or Costellos.
“I’m afraid that I might have been unclear in my description of how grave the matter is to us all and of the ulterior impact it had on human history. In fact, this subject is so serious that no man, or woman, or puppet, or ad libitum ad imaginatus could have been capable of performing such evil acts, except for some characters which we are to depict in the following lines, whose existence I can regrettably inform you of.
“Thus, a stroke will enlighten our readers about these beasts that once trod on this earth; but I do hope that it is already clear enough that those horrendous acts and stratagems could not have been created and perpetrated by an ordinary man, or woman… (1).
“During my research undertook by myself (1 bis) in order to finally compile this enlightening book, I came across contradicting versions, which varied accordingly to who the collector, or manipulator, was.
“The Benedictine monk baptized as Rafael de la Turba, but who everybody in his hometown referred to simply as ‘stupid little man’, born exactly 800 years ago* in what now is called Torrejón de Ardoz, near the actual city of Madrid, explains to us that the inclusion of the apple as the prohibited fruit leads us to one name, that of San José de las Termas, third copyist of the manuscript that inspires these very same lines, which was inherited by Andrés, who used to be Simon Peter’s second maternal cousin, and which was obtained through an obscure riña de gallos that for reasons which are far from logic accepted the palimpsest as a betting pledge, to finally end, somewhere in this cojonudo universe, over the triumphant and manipulative hands of the victor gallo; that is to say, San Jose´s.
“According to Rafael’s sole and modest contribution to the ever-expanding realm of literature through his Memorias de un gran Masturbador, San José could have very well suffered an irreparable hence terrible loss during a grey and stormy day, precisely in the course of the fourth day of the month of April, throughout the 126th year in the Era of our Lord Jesus Christ (1.2). We are of course referring to that loss that is the greatest of all for an innocent child; the decease of his creators (or should we better call them simply copyists, given that the only God is the source of all creation?). That is, of course, the death of both his parents, aka mamá y papa; Edith and Simón.
“How could this have occurred?
“Given the bizarre circumstances in which such a dreadful event took place, the real reasons are hard to uncover; but as all ways lead to Rome, all clues lead to apples.
“It is quite certain that in those days, given the lack of proper instruments and tools, it was almost (or should we say indeed?) impossible to deduct how the terrible accident happened. The traumatized boy, a six year old San José, found his copyists (or shall we indeed call them creators, given that everything that is created is indeed a creatio ex Deus, them being mere instruments of the Divine Grace?), or better said parents, half naked, half dressed but completely lifeless, under the triumphant apple tree. That’s the picture our little hero had to vainly comprehend. The rest are mere theories aimed at finding a feasible explanation destined to content those logical minds which are satiated by mere probabilities.
“Taking into account all the possible factors that could have had a certain influence, be those big, small or thunderous, I cannot escape the theory that such elements as astrological coordinates, weather conditions, and other questions that I shall reserve to myself, draw into my logical mind. Everything indicates that the passing was due to the impact of a pair of those red little and severe fruits also known as malus pumila (1.3); a fall that found its end on both mamá and papá’s heads, as they were both intimately bonded under the shadow offered by the treacherous apple tree (1,1), recreating that treasured moment in which she got pregnant for the first time in her life, thus becoming San José’s vessel.
“For those unaccustomed to such an erudite use of language, we simply state that they were copulating, or fornicating if you prefer, under this tree that ended up losing – thought it’s not possible to judge the tree’s intention, according to common sense, but others think in a different fashion (***) – a couple of apples that happened to land on the lover´s heads (superior in the case of his father), inducing them to an everlasting slumber, or death if you dislike metaphors.
“Bad (or good) fortune intervened, helping the first apple to harshly hit Simon’s (papá) crest, causing, as a result, the instant loss of his erection. But fatally for both, he did not only lose it but due to the distraction created by the falling fruit (not referring to his banana, but to the descending apple), he also lost his somehow weak Taoistic control, meaning that he could no longer hold his sticky milky essence, thus tarnishing his wife’s dress as he nervously attempted to remove his member from her interior and hopelessly avoiding to ruin her gown for good.
“This outer garment had been a precious gift made by the right hand and of the King and Hairdresser in his spare time, as a payment for certain obscure favours she had provided; still some think those favours were indeed of sexual nature, whereas others think that she only used to bring him fresh ale every Sunday morning.
“This unfortunate accident – and by this we are not referring to the fall of the apple, nor to the banana-descent or the coitus interruptus but to the stained dress – inspired Edith’s (mamá) uncontrollable anger, expressed by her left hand, precisely the one that slapped Simon on his left cheek (2) with hateful dexterity and strength, thus instantly depriving him of the miracle of life (2.1).
“History scholars have passionately debated – and some even went to extreme duellistic stages – about the primordial reason that caused and inspired the mortal blow. Some think that the primordial cause of such rage was the supposed uncontrolled semen expulsion caused by a petty fruity distraction helped by Simon’s lack of perineum strength; a fact that was fervently disowned during such times.
“Others, that the ruining stain that transformed the gorgeous dress into an ad aeternum piece of crap was the violence’s seed (3).
“A ridiculous amount of left aside and communist scholars firmly believe that this article is worthless and should not be read.
“Nevertheless, the vast majority of historians, theologians and scholars simply concur with the idea that she was a crazy bitch (4).
“According to MIT physics, the left hand hit/blow/collision, in order to prove deadly for a fit and healthy man as Son José’s father – he was the strongest man of the hamlet for thirty four consecutive years – must have been of such a force that, after 0.00005786 seconds of the impact, an expansive wave of 87.6 Hz must have occurred, thus inducing the fall of the second apple on her head, thus annihilating her readily”.
That’s how the objective chronicles of San José de las Termas’ late parents end.
Now, forcing ourselves into more adventurous, wondrous, monstrous, tuberous and rugged paths, we can naturally infer that the previous tragedy could have become, in Aristotle’s words, ………. Of course, Aristotle is dead, reason why we left those …….. as a symbol of silence. But being much more precise and faithful to the written expression, we will rephrase the last paragraph in order to carry on peacefully.
Now, forcing ourselves into more adventurous, wondrous, monstrous, tuberous and rugged paths, we can infer naturally that the previous tragedy could have become, and expressing it as Aristotle would have written it or said it if he were still alive (provided that we could make sense of what his toothless mouth or his shaky handwriting could have been expressing at this very moment), the primordial engine that fuelled our back-then-innocent-hero but today-surely-ashes-underground San José and his rascal and impious modifications of the holy Scriptures, placing the hated apple at the centre of ignominy as the forbidden fruit, hence origin of the posterior disequilibrium experienced in human history. The fall of the apple is the fall of human kind; the banished species from paradise, he wrote in his personal book note, I can’t blame the one and only almighty God for this, but I will make the treacherous apple pay for my everlasting pain and persistent virginity.
It might be useful to recall that the actual original Genesis – we are not referring to the Progressive Rock British group, though its original formation with Peter Gabriel in vocals/flute is regarded as the best in the band’s history – was lost around 4760 B.C, in a yet-to-be-determined place along the sands of the Negev desert; according to a dream experienced and then retold by the Abbot of the Negrotti’s Cathedral Johannus Swederborg, the primal word uttered to mention the forbidden fruit, could have approximately sounded like Alkooon gjhaaaadiaf jasidaeh (4.5).
Sir Alan Robbins, lecturer in dead, forgotten and prohibited languages, forged an acceptable translation of such a term, after endless forty years of hard work; his humble approximation is:
“Exquisite fruit that after the first bite expels an amazing scent, and its flavour will make your legs succumb, but then it shall become a potent aphrodisiac and you will have intercourse with your lady wife”.
We trust that these events, dear reader, under the infallible guidance of the Supreme Being who leaves nothing to chance, will open a vast panorama of a wild rainbow of possibilities to be enjoyed as well as interpreted (4.7).
Now that chance appears to have a tiny part of the Lord’s favour, we choose one of those rational extravaganzas.
Pierre Montenaux de Perpignan, a renowned Franciscan Monk, tells us in his Historiae Universalis Frutae that:
“The inclusion of the apple, both in the Genesis and the annals of literature, is an idea forged by Guillaume D’Avignonaisse Tellousian, historically referred to as William Tell. Well known were his love for bow and arrow, and his fondness for apples. According to some now missing personal letters, William had a suspicious and more-than-friendly relationship with the Cardinal in charge of the Rhin region, Alfred Maunschitz, who by chance happened to have a huge network of connections working within the Vatican; this not only helped him to gain valuable information about the intimacies of several high members of the Holy State, but to amass a huge fortune as well: Agel, Herbalife and Amway were some of the products he used to sell in that tricky and capitalist pyramidal marketing scheme, or shall we say scam?
“Whether it’s not ethical to determine the nature of their friendship, we must present the two theories that carry this story’s gossipy weight.
“The first one indicates that after enjoying luscious and dairy sexual favours, Herr Maunschitz really found pleasure in watching Mr Tell who, after the performance of such devilish and punishable affairs, used to adopt bizarre poses; the couple’s favourite was the one in which the archer held an apple between his teeth, pretending to be a human canard à l’orange, or correctly written canard à l’pomme (5).
“The fourth one (being in reality the theory number two, but I’m too superstitious to use the words that describe those places between the first and the fourth) indicates that Guillaume D’Avignonaisse Tellousian, our famous William Tell, suffered a terrible loss due to a missed Apfelschuss. In fact, not only one, but seven severe mistakes that ended his seven masculine childrens’ joyful lives. Not being able to recover himself from such a dramatic turn of events, he recurred to his lifelong friend, Herr Maunschitz, in order to pay tribute to his deceased sons; he needed to see the red bloody fruit in the centre of human infamy; the depiction of the lowest treacherous act that could ever be committed by human kind: that of disobeying the Lord and condemning the whole posterity to an unbearable separation from the source. Thus, taking advantage of Herr M’s connections, who also in this theoretical history had lots of friends in the Vatican but who was not rich nor took advantage of that capitalist pyramidal scheme, he placed the apple in the tree that ended up being the cause of the fall of human race, mirroring his own fall into a living son-less Hell.
“If I were to choose one, that would be theory number two, or the one that goes between the first theory and the absent that exists as a result of adding two more to the first. I can do it; I can break the spell, the fear can be overcome. I choose the second…”
Thus ends the Historiae Universalis Frutae, with the sudden death of the superstitious and erudite Pierre Montenaux de Perpignan.
In order to help the reader regain balance and common sense, it is indeed worth noticing and mentioning that the name of William Tell is quoted in Idries Shah’s The Way of the Sufi, page 20.
But, returning to our favourite fruity matter, some secret sources within the Holy City in Rome whisper about certain affaires involving the late alma pater of a most successful computer company whose brand logo is, predictably, a malus pumila.
Negotiations concerning a new Bible, including a whole re-scripture of our Holy Book under the a la mode print on demand model, both in hard cover format and in special e-book editions.
To remove the apple from the ignominy’s throne, after ages of fraudulent manoeuvres perpetrated by egomaniac men; to eternally dislodge the round and red fruit from the Adamic disgrace and the posterior link with the human fall, as well as its relationship with God’s wrath; to completely devour the apple and leave a simple seed as a trade logo: a seed to be spat into the new paradise to come.
The substitutional variation?
Instead of having an apple tree as a dominative figure in the famous paradisiacal scene, we would embrace, thanks to the benefits of a creatio ex nihilo, a new form of plant whose branches would bear not apples, of course, but a to-be-determined product of the rival firm. If this proves to be hard-to-believe in the soon-to-occur focus group testings, a vast house made of pure windows shall not be discarded as a replacement for the tree. The primordial couple, instead of biting the forbidden fruit could, for instance, have tremendous problems with their brand new laptop, or might be unable to enter their windowed home due to an update complication which keeps them away from paradise.
Clever and agile as usual, the Alma pater of the very same company that could be accurately described as the house with a thousand windows, contacted his lifelong friend Pinocchio in order to plan a massive scale contamination of a certain part of Africa and some shitty third world Latin countries (our sources claim that this Alma pater uttered such offensive epithets with a furious gesture and foam in his mouth) using red apples. As part of the same operation, art scouts are trying to find a future star painter, who would be in charge of creating the definitive masterpiece that will win the technological and sillyconial war, for once and for all.
The painting’s motif?
A candid and pastoral scene: oblivious of their surroundings, Adam and Eve are enjoying a lovely Sunday picnic whilst listening to some demonic music on their personal mp3 players; they are in hell – precisely because they ignore it – feasting on their deceased sibling’s flesh.
Radamés Washington “π” Funes Da Silva, using his usual educational and easy-going tone, closes this chapter saying:
“It is very true that the legend of the forbidden fruit has been subjected to endless mutations throughout time, though the same could be argued about any other probable myth. In some isolated cloisters, where the usual contact with women of low esteem was almost impossible, and the acquaintance with women of high esteem was definitely worst than impossible, a tropical banana was introduced as a forbidden fruit in the medieval version of the Genesis, for obvious, posterior, dark, sometimes hairy, predictable reasons. A vast amount of complicated variations of the original tale that have been recently discovered find their origin in those dark times; for instance, through changing the popular and Eve bit the fruit for the more reprehensible and Eve shoved the fruit -banana- down a certain orifice not meant for that particular purpose. For those distracted readers, the bottom hole. The same applies to Adam, of course. (6)
“Under this light, the Genesis becomes probably the first sexual investigation of our era, describing not only some unorthodox and rare sexual endeavours, but usages and perhaps inventions of elements that today are of common use”.
Some lines after, the generous and enlightening Radamés Washington “π” Funes Da Silva shares some interesting facts:
“During the big drought in Côte d‘Ivoire that took place in the beginnings of the twentieth century, colonel Tito Drogba took advantage of likely literary inventions in order to palliate the lack of coconuts. As a consequence, the Palm Tree became the forbidden-fruit bearer.
“In the Old World, during the crazy cow epidemic, the EU parliament and its committee of sages pondered the possibility of removing the apple and introducing a cow in the Holy Scriptures. The most prestigious inhabitants of the cultural world were consulted in order to create the definitive paragraph that would make the animalesque variation feasible and effective. The last presented draft contained the following sentence: … and Eve grabbed the cow with utmost gentleness, detaching her from its branch, as Adam was preparing a nice fire using his own faeces as combustible. She failed to refrain her voracious appetite and tried to remove a portion of the ill-fated animal with her bare teeth; but tough as the beef was, she lost a couple of her incisors. Adam, with tender love, showed her the way to the fulfilment of the flesh, macerating the about to be eaten cow with spices and sauces, till the perfect cooking texture was achieved. Finally, both enjoyed a fucking great barbecue.
“The definitive draft was lastly revised by the Cardinal Jacinto González Gómez Pérez, member of the diocese of Guijón. It was ultimately discarded because of a simple but fatal detail: mankind had not yet discovered fire and as a natural consequence of that lacking of know-how, cooking; and most importantly, in those crazy cow times it was not sensible to eat raw meat, nor eat beef at all.
“If the truth were to be told, this subject would carry on ad libitum, ad aeternum, ad imaginatus. I resign myself to keep writing its infinite possibilities inside this marvellous toilet of mine; this court-room; this hollowed and illuminated watery throne that accepts me fully, reigning over a lost street in Paysandú.”
Thus closes his chapter XXI, perhaps infinite, the great Radamés Washington “π” Funes Da Silva.
** Such a statement was a personal recommendation of Abu Kasem’s barrister, due to several unwanted watery accidents during the first reading of this chronic; though we are indeed happy to share that, to this day, no fatal drowning victims are accounted for. Common sense indicates that proper accompaniment implies someone or something that might aid during the navigation of such deep waters, which of course, have nothing to do with Roger or with Muddy.
(0) On occasions we can find within the realms of the Opus Magnum an over-statement recurrence in some of the probable author’s personal views on things (Ed.). You will notice that a bit further down, dear reader, you shall be able to find another (0). It seems that the editor had some trouble in choosing one of the many options that the author left in the air. (Subcontracted Ed.)
(0) Seems to us that someone less than proficient in English translation could have worked on this copy. (TN.)
(1) Ed. On occasions, the probable translator and not the writer himself resorts to an over clarification of a given subject. We are not sure if it’s a memory problem or something related to insecurities forged during his early ages. (Of course this is not a mere repetition of the joke expressed in both 0 footnotes, which in this case, because it’s a plural form, ought to be feetnotes).
(1 bis) You must pardon the language inaccuracies, but we intend to preserve the texts in their original form.
* We believe that there’s a certain relationship between the date in which the author worked on the referred chapter and the birth of our champion. That singular moment of genius still can’t be placed in time, hence, we can’t possibly know when the aforementioned was born (de Ardoz). Geniality is a never ending thread that embraces both beginning and end, Radamés Washington “π” Funes Da Silva, Selected Sitted Poems.
(1.2) About meteorological circumstances and forgotten historical events, do not hesitate to consult the revolutionary approach to the subject by the Flemish embalmer, Jaan van der Meerkewarden in his L‘Histoire de l’Histoire Météorologique.
(1.3) Santino Marcosse, an Italian linguist expert in forgotten Latin-isms, draws a remarkable comparison between the technical word for the apple of paradise, malus pumila, and the Latin word malum or malus, that expresses wrongness, wrongdoing, something that should be performed in other way. At the same time, he points out that the apple had appeared after the genesis, hence before the story that bonds us together, in Homer’s fifth book of the Iliad, when Eris, the Greek goddess of chaos and discord, exposed the vanity of Hera, Athena and Aphrodite during the feast after the celebration of the wedding between Peleus and Thetis. Perhaps, its most glorious appearance occurs here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nkzuAdQgSN8
(1,1) Some say that it could not have happened under the shade, since it was a rainy day. One of those voices is that of Marcus Grünnewald, author of Wege der Metheorologischen Natur.
(2) This subject is one of great controversy, given the fact that it’s hard to understand how she managed to slap her husband’s right cheek using her opposed (right) hand. The use of a fake arm should not be discarded, or perhaps, a piece of wood that resembled a human arm.
(3) For more details about these reactions, please consult History of an Unexpected Visit, chapter entitled The effect of noises and sudden outbursts by René Guennwsa, 1943.
(4) Plutarco said, dementiae merda est.
(5) In this particular case, the apple might have been painted in orange colour. This could explain the origin of the Spanish saying, that inaccurately translated is read like when oranges are absent, suffice the oranged-apples. Found in Origin and History of Spanish Collection of Sayings of Middle Europas, signed by Carl María von Schmack.
(6) If that would have been correct, the Wrath of God should be bartered into the Laugh of God, by the sight of such an infantile and harmless reaction. Joseph Guiseppini thus writes in his Three Hundred Ways to Eat a Piece of Fruit.
(0) Seems to us that someone less than proficient in English translation could have worked on this copy. (TN)
*** Biologist and Weightlifter Sir John Pao has expressed recently in a very famous Sunday magazine, which is part of the biggest newspaper in the world, that certain experiments are being carried away in order to prove not only that trees are sensitive, but they can develop some kind of what could be seen as human feelings, such as jealousy, anger, loneliness and fondness of football. This is why I think that the nowadays discussed theme of the apple as the forbidden fruit and the unfortunate accident that San Jose’s parents suffered, was not an accident by force of chance at all, but the price his mother had to pay after flirting and blatantly seducing a married apple tree.
(2.1) A fervent right wing leader of the Republican Party of New Gondwanaland expresses in his weekly column featured in his 6 year old son’s school bulletin, that if read in an allegorical fashion, we can learn from history and recognize that the secret message of this soon to be biblical story is that left wing politicians and probably sportsmen of any kind as well will suddenly appear and kill you. Signed by Rupta Abescassis.
(4.5) An experimental form of phonetics of the early stages of the Aramaic language is being shared here thanks to the generosity of the National Museum. If you wish to utter the quoted word, follow the instructions:
- ·Take a shower
- ·Then, take your soaking wet clothes off, and hang them in order to be sun dried
- ·If there is no sun, wait. This step cannot be avoided
- ·Once the garments are being caressed by the sun, get dressed using only white clothes and sandals made of cork
- ·Spit on your right foot
- ·Make your Labrador dog lick the spit
- ·If you happen not to have a dog, get one, and respect the breed. It must be a Labrador
- ·If you can’t get a dog because you are afraid of them, go to therapy
- ·If you don’t believe in Freudian methods, choose an alternative approach of your liking ie California Flowers
- ·Once the spit is licked, go to the kitchen and get a red apple
- ·If you happen to keep your apples in another room that is not the kitchen, proceed to take the red fruit to the kitchen, leave the room and re-enter in order to get the apple
- ·Bite the apple, and without chewing, take a sip of water
- ·With both water and the first apple bit in the mouth, say these words: “Jesus is an Ant, and I am his Witness”. That is how early Aramaic sounded.
(4.7) It is fair to say that if the Lord is the sole source of all qualities and merits, it shan’t be possible that He leaves nothing left to chance. His generosity is such, that even chance, randomness, surely enjoys a portion of His divine giving spirit. (Ed.)