‘Jesús was my neighbour, a nice little chap,’ said Vicente del Cilantro, the fruit-seller of a little village located two miles south of Foz de Lugo, Galicia.
‘Jesus was God trapped within flesh,’ thus asserted the Roman Catholic Apostolic church.
‘Jesus was (is) a Master inspired by Divinity,’ so the Sufis assert.
‘Jesus is the Messiah,’ foresaw Melchior +2.
But prominent professors of the Oxford College for Religious Research and Erudite Speculatory Intuitions assert with no hint of doubt that Jesus was an Ant. In order to prove it, they quote the Gospel of Thomas: ‘…lift up the stone, and you will find me there.’
Other scholars insist in lingering on the insect realm, quoting the same Gospel: ‘….split a piece of wood; I am there.’ Because of this, they consider that He was a Termite.
Another adventurous assertion pronounced, not without a hint of adolescent rebelliousness, is: ‘Jesus was a Rat.’
In order to prove this point, that tiny but very influential think-tank-religious-extravaganza called The Mickey Mouse Religious Club, quote Tahir Shah’s wondrous Opus, Sorcerer’s Apprentice, page 280:
‘…Just like that temple – Karnidevi, near Bilkaner – where they worship rats. I’ve heard there are thousands of the little fellows. Devotees flock to the temple from across India. They feed the rats great trays of food. Only when the rodents can devour no more, do the pilgrims eat what they’ve left.’
For The Mickey Mouse Religious Club, a despicable rodent obsessed sect, the above mentioned extract serves as irrefutable proof for their religious motto; this pseudo-scholastic organisation firmly believes that Jesus went to die in India. They are fervent readers, though at this point we had better say reciters of two particular books: Christ in Kashmir by Aziz Kashmiri and Jesus Lived in India by Holger Kersten; works that support their unique vision of the Nazarene visiting this part of Gondwana’s soil.
According to them, the rodent-infested church in India is a symbol of the Master, multiplied, not in bread and fish but in rats (1). The trays of food serve as a symbolic last supper, and we, humans, are only worthy of the remains, as everlasting sinners. Their basic theology also includes a disgusting set of practices such as reprehensible orgies: horrid rites performed by its entire masculine parishioners, which is the same to say all of them, where men disguised as cats are sodomised by members of the sect, predictably dressed up as Rats. After the posterior unwelcome visit comes to an end (and surely on a bottom) they feast on cheese, until the first morning bird announces the waking sun.
As a consequence of simple logical formulae, the cat is seen as the cause of all Evil; any feline representation is part of the multifaceted devilish figure that dwells in the bottom of Hell, which in this case is made not of fire, but of boiling oceanic waters and an eternal overpopulation of tuna fish.
Any cartoon with a cat in a lead role is of course, forbidden, as well as other references to felines throughout the history of art; products and creations that are not to be enjoyed by the parishioners under any circumstance whatsoever (1.1). The most conservative wing of the movement is planning a massive boycott on Cats and any play related somehow to Andrew Lloyd Webber, who is thought by many, not only those belonging to the conservative faction, to be himself a cat.
Just as any group of people that come together, not only in cat costumes but also those glued by a common belief, several factions do start to appear which fragment the formerly known harmonic union; a small sect within this horrid group of fanatics believe, inspired by his unending appetite for cats, that the hairy little chap from Melmac better known as Alf, is the final Messiah, the secret Knight of the Apocalypse that comes to install the Kingdom of the Lord all over this planet of sinners.*
The last step that leads us beyond this realm of mind-puzzling cheese mayhem of orgiastic cartoon-like extravagant theories is taken by a very small (2) sect within the Oxford College for Religious Research and Erudite Speculatory Intuitions, which call themselves as the … (3). They state that those lines previously quoted from the Gospel of Thomas, are actually a type of secret metaphorical code (4) that naturally leads us to the conclusion that Jesus, in reality, is Pinocchio, and God our father, is Geppetto.
Of course, if this were to be true, then why was Jesus crucified, if he himself was made of the same material as the cross?
Wouldn’t that be a despicable redundancy?
(1) Some apocryphal versions suggest that Walter Disney was the founder and benefactor of this extravagant sect. If we make room to allow such shocking information, his cartoonish creation projects a different shadow over the entertainment industry; not only did he give voice to the first version of the animated rodent, but this character eventually became his number one hit, in addition to playing a vital role in the development of his own frozen empire of today.
(1.1) Garfield, Tom, Puss in Boots, He-Man’s Gringer; apparently, the hard wing of the sect is starting to ban all human actors that have given their voices to cat characters, such as Antonio Banderas. It is also important to remark, that before his Islamic conversion, Yusuf Islam was also forbidden.
* If you would like to know more about this rodental sect which might benefit from, in a near future, the very protection of the Vatican, don’t stop reading this collection of incredible writings, because a complete detailed description of this à la mode worship is due to be written (5).
(2) According to secret diaries found in an obscure and sinful pub in Canterbury, it is formed only by three members; a right arm, a left leg and a nose.
(3) Something may have been lost in translation. Ed.
(4) Referring to the piece of wood and to Jesus, both in Gospel of Thomas.
(5) An excellent reason not to print this dossier, and to only publish it in e-format. Thus, the rats will never be able to destroy the unspoken truths by eating them.